Mercy
Today is Wednesday, which means it’s time for the Inspirational word of the week.
Mercy:(noun) 1. forgiveness, compassion, pity or benevolence. 2. a blessing, favor or kindness.
I was married once before. Not for very long, but long enough to learn some very valuable lessons, the biggest of which, was how I didn’t want to be treated.
My first husband and I were always looking for some way to make the other feel small. (Especially if there was someone else around to try to impress.)
Communication between us was sarcastic, contemptuous and cynical, and usually ended up with one or both of us sulking, at best. 
Fortunately, we got a divorce after only being married for a year. (smartest $ I EVER spent)
A few years later, I moved to Michigan with my boyfriend (who is now my darling husband Blake) after dating for only a few months. We hadn’t lived together until this move, so it was nice that we could start out with a clean slate.
Little did I know, I still had some nasty baggage left over from husband number one.
I remember very clearly, one day at Play-it-Again sports, Blake and had been looking at roller blades. I was ready to leave, while Blake was still wandering through the store looking at something else. The store clerk asked if I needed anything else and I said “No, just my boyfriend.” and then I barked loudly” HEY BLAKE, LET’S GO!!!”
Blake came around the corner, walked out the door and stood there steaming mad.
As I came out the door, he calmly said “Don’t you ever talk to me like that again.”
I was stunned.
He didn’t say anything else, just got into the car and waited.
I got into the passengers side, sat down and quietly apologized.
We didn’t say much else after that.
I’ll never forget that day because that was the pivotal moment in our relationship when I realized that I had to change the way I speak to him, or risk having another unhealthy, miserable relationship.
I had to recognize that my words carried weight. Even though I didn’t say anything specifically hurtful, it was the way I spoke to him that mattered.
Basically, I had treated him like an asshole, because there was some 20-year old kid working behind a counter who I thought I could impress by bossing my tall, handsome boyfriend around. (stupid, stupid girl) The ugly pattern I had originally developed with husband number one came racing back to bite me in the ass.
If I wanted him to treat me with love and respect, I had to earn his trust by showing him mercy and admiration.
That first year was tough.
I had to break my old patterns and actively try to be kind, even when it was really hard. Even when he was gone on business for a long time and I felt stuck.
I failed a lot, especially that first year.
He travelled about 75% of the time that first year, learning the ropes for his new position. He didn’t always like coming home because I’d whine and bitch about his being gone all the time. (fortunately, he’s a very patient man)
Eventually, I finally realized that whining and bitching about his travel only made him more miserable. I can’t remember exactly when it happened, but sometime in that first year I learned to focus on appreciating him while he was home. Instead of hearing about the next trip and immediately complaining about it, I worked at being kind to him, showing interest in where he goes and what he’s doing.
And that has made all the difference in our lives together.
Instead of focusing on what we don’t have, we try to make the best of what we do have.
We treat each other with respect and mercy. It’s quintessential to our happiness.
*****
While we were in Brasil back in 2007-8, I found Havi Brooks’ Fluent Self blog.
I loved how she has broken down complicated ideas into small, snack-able bits. She inspired me to be more accepting of myself, to meet myself where I was, and grow from there. She has inspired thousands, if not millions of other people as well, always encouraging mercy, learning and fun! And how awesome is this?! Her business partner, Selma, is a duck! Yes, Havi and Selma are both fabulous!!!! xoxoxo
I looked over at her website today and noticed this wonderfulness……
- What do I need? Is there something I can do right now that would help?
- What would help me feel safe and supported?
- What is true about this?
- Is this my stuff? How much of it is mine and how much is someone else’s?
- Is this from now?
- What am I wrong about?
- Is it possible that ….?
Well, I bought her Destuckification Station and the Procrastination Dissolve-o-matic which came with Magical Procrastination-Dissolving Fairy Dust, while I was having issues trying to balance home-schooling and expatriate life in Brasil. (seriously, you didn’t think that would be easy, right?!)
Havi, Selma and her “tools” (including the Dance of Shiva, a small part of which I’ve integrated into my Stretch) have helped me tremendously and I’m proud to say that she has agreed to allow me to be an affiliate for her products.
*however*
I’m not sure how to. I’m currently working on trying to figure out how to do that. (Please remember, I’m NOT a tech-savvy woman…..yet.)
*****Huzzah!!! The link has been added to the sidebar, so all you have to do is CLICK IT and it’ll take you straight over to Havi’s site! SUPER HUGE Thanks to Wendy Cholbi for her help and patience!!********
I appreciate your mercy while I learn how to make that happen.
I’ve asked for help from some friends of mine on Havi’s Kitchen Table and they have responded swiftly and thoroughly!
Thank you Megan, Wendy, Beth and Heidi!! YOU ROCK!!!!
Now, I’ve run out of time and must go get ready for Garrett and Blake, dinner, karate, & parent teacher conferences.
Thanks for following along, my friendly blog reader!
With Mercy and Friendship
xoxo Pam
